She cooled to the idea when I told her that if I were pregnant I was giving the baby to her

All of the results were from pregnant women who were all wacky wavy inflatable arm people (in my mind anyway). Oooooh I’m pregnant and my boobs hurt!; Oooooh I’m pregnant and my chest feels like it’s on fire!; Oooooh I’m pregnant and everything is different because I never had sex-ed because I grew up in the bible belt and was told that storks deliver babies and now I think they must have meant my doctor is going to be a stork because I am pregnant and I’m definitely not a stork and oooooh my boobs hurt.
Yeah, I agree with you; that last one was oddly specific.
Of course, the problem here is that I am not pregnant. No way, no how. Unless I’m Mary Part 2 (a sequel I would NEVER see or want to be starring in).
So I asked my friend, who has kids, if she ever had this problem thinking if she did, she might be able to tell me what caused it.
She didn’t; and instead of making me feel better she tells me it could be a hysterical pregnancy which can apparently happen in women who desperately want to be pregnant (not me) and women who desperately don’t want to be pregnant (ding ding ding).
Then, another friend was so convinced I was pregnant from this one little thing she was on the brink of planning a baby shower. She cooled to the idea when I told her that if I were pregnant I was giving the baby to her.
So today, I finally went to the doctor who confirmed for me that I do not have a hysterical pregnancy because, well,  I’m sane. Her words.
And now it’s a waiting game. She did the following blood work (above the line). Apparently depending on how that goes it could mean an MRI down the road and possibly… uh… and Ant. Pit.? Ant’s pits seem kind of small to me, so I’m guessing that’s an “if all else fails and we have to go the witch doctor route” thing.
But hey, I’ve been wrong before.
So, for the next week or so, feel free to send some good vibes my way. Just make sure they’re cold.